The Loneliness and The Scream

Knitted Sweater, Tights and Skirt, 2018.


Apparel & Creative Direction: Gloria Sophie Wille

Model: Nancy Gomes dos Santos

Make Up: Angela Khachatryan

Photography: Detlef Nehls

 

So here's the thing: As lonely as loneliness feels, it still is a common ache. Throughout my life I've experienced loneliness in different shapes and forms: sometimes it's my source of creating a new piece, sometimes it's numbing my entire being. I experienced the worst kind of loneliness for the two years I lived in Hamburg. Not only did I feel lonely, I felt misplaced, watching people going on with their lives whilst my existence felt ... useless. I didn't belong - and God knows I've tried. I wanted to get myself out there but I've been brought down by my end-20's-fear of "get a job, be stable, you've had enough fun, crocheting is not  a thing". And, from what I felt, the general Hamburg-vibe of: "Unless you work your ass off, you won't become a part of this city",  didn't help me feel like I could ever belong. I did meet some incredible people who helped me succeed in my projects, my exhibits, my crowdfunding campaign. None of this would've been possible without them. People I really enjoyed working with. Yet still I felt lonely. I succeeded - to some extend - to crochet and knit my loneliness away. But I never felt quite at ease... it felt like I had to work so excruciatingly hard to fit in. In order to make ends meet, I've worked miserably paid jobs just to being able to pay my rent, suffered painful anxiety attacks, only to go back to work the next day. Everything felt like an incredible effort and simply ... wrong. The only time I was somewhat at peace with myself was whenever I wandered around the old graves of the Ohlsdorf Cemetery. I didn't feel lonely among the dead. Morbid, huh? Oh yea. Everything I did, or rather the options I had, felt so black & white, so either or, so easy to end. I was a rook on a chessboard, in no control of myself or my fate. And the worst thing? I put myself there. Inside of me it yelled: "Am I asking too much from life? Is this all there is?" It ate me up inside. I felt unheard. For two years, loneliness took the best of me. I left Hamburg exhausted and internally broken and as fate would have it, Berlin has opened its arms to yet another lost soul like mine. Zach Condon of Beirut recently put it very well in an interview with NPR "Berlin was never on my radar (...) I just kinda stumbled into it (...) I felt like an outsider wherever I've gone and I still kind of do in Berlin but much less so. I don't want to sound too special because many people suffer from this, too. I think perhaps there is a certain sensitivity that drives that feeling of outsider-ness, and that feeling of observation rather than participation."

 

Knitted for the lonely and the stranded.

 


This three piece garment is inspired by Frightened Rabbit's song "The Loneliness And The Scream".